Project Pignon

Here we go again! Really? It all feels so different this time. I can't control anything. I can't do anything about donations or no donations. I'm not in charge. God is. Open Hand doesn't define me. The success or failure of this non profit isn't dependent on me.

So we jump back on the train but this time we are not driving. We are simply passengers. God is the conductor. 

We have been approved for 20 loans at $220 each. This time we are doing groups of 5 people. There will be a President who will bring the payments to Nick. They will be required to pay back their loans in 6 months. We also got approved to give Nick a salary of $200 a month for the next year! I hope he is excited about that and giddy.

So we head up to Northern Haiti. Hopefully in person at some point.

"Why are you putting a period when it could be a comma?"

This is the question I keep hearing from my husband. Why? Because I've been burned. Because I don't know anymore if God even wants me doing this. Because trying to make a difference and having it blow up in your face isn't any fun. At.all. Because people suck. Because if I thought I was cynical before, lord help me now!

But there's a tiny glimmer of hope. Dare I say it? Dare I say it out loud? Voice my hope to others? Ty and his business partner have been wanting to give us money but we don't (didnt) have a project and they wanted a project specifically. So, seeing that I don't want to end up like I did last time, I didnt want to go hunting for a project just because. And I don't want to be in Haiti because it's convenient or where we started or for any other reasons than God wants us to be there. He wants to use us to bless and help people.

Anyways, Nick has always been very sad about OH pulling out of Haiti and has told us that he will do whatever we need any time and this morning he sent us a message and asked that we reconsider Haiti and doing a micro loan program with small groups of women, instead of individuals. That he has been working with various women in his town and teaching them some of the OH training manual and he thinks he can, well in my words, breathe life back into these dead bones. "Son of man, can these bones live?" Only you know God. We can't do it unless you do it through us.

Turns out that OH has about $2,000 left in our Haitian account. I'm telling you, that money just kept going and going. Ha! Anyways... we could use that. I could get Ty and his business partner on board with this project. See the glimmer? It's tiny, but it's bright. Nick has offered to run the program for free. Did I tell you this kid was a keeper or what? Which of course, we wouldn't do. Ha! Because we've always wanted to be generous people. We've asked him to basically put a business plan together of how he thinks it will work so that I can present it.

In the meantime, we get on our knees and pray that God reveals to us, clearly, if this is the way we are to go. Is this the time? Can these bones live? But God.

I've heard that God has a sense of humor. I'm sure it's true. I know the Bible says he laughs. Wonder if he has a giddy laugh over the fact that the book I'm reading right now is called Waking the Dead.

It would have to be different this time. No more striving to find donors. No more sleepless nights. No more making my identity be wrapped around Open Hand. How do you have a job but that job doesn't define you? The answer would be I have to find out who God says that I am. What is my identity in Him? 

End Scene

 

So... can you guess by the title of my post where this is going? Sure you can. You probably knew it all along. Us, we are a little slow thinking we could make a difference and be successful. We have Franck, who lives where the marketplace is and Nick who lives 4 hours away. Both have something going for them. Franck is local and Nick is loyal. That's the only thing Franck has going for him. If I had my way I would have fired his ass months ago. It is unbelievably frustrating since their 2 salaries are the biggest expense, besides giving out the loan money, of course and yet Franck does not respond to me in a timely fashion and skirts around what I have asked him to do. Note to self: If you do this again DO NOT pay salary in advance. Even if you dont think you'll get back to that country in awhile. Never. Ever. 

We have had two loan repayment collections... correction - that I know of. Don't get me started. Nick is the bomb. He calls everyone the Monday that their payments are due and reminds them. As for Franck, I need him in the OH office where the OH safe is on collection days and entering the payments into the computer. But I can't even get the guy to answer my freakin emails about the collection days etc... We have paid Franck and Nick until the end of March so we are going to have two more loan repayments before we end this tragic scene, take the horse in back of the barn and shoot it.

You know, this would have worked had Love a Child not hired an outside management company to run the marketplace. Funny thing is dude is a Haitian businessman and we have the Haitians best interest more than he does. The marketplace is not doing well. After many emails I find out that at least 35% of OH loan recipients no longer have a booth in the marketplace b.c they can't afford one. Remember the booth fees are almost $20 US a month which we balked at but nobody listened to us and now the shit has hit the fan (again) because the booths are going to be empty. People can't pay that much money a month. That's more money than some of them have maybe ever earned. But what do we know? We just want the people to thrive, feed their families, you know... the basic kind of stuff and they can't do it the way the marketplace is being run. We have found out that some of those OH loan recipients have taken their products and are trying to sell somewhere else. Our first collection day was a pretty good success. Now we'll see what the other three hold. Nothing comes easy. It's infuriating. Oh and then it gets a little more shady - we were supposed to have 156 loan recipients but we only have 149. So there should be an excess of $1,300 US dollars of OH money that we wired down to Franck in order to pay for the loans. But... drumroll please.... Franck has $559 dollars and I swear to you I can't get this guy to fess up to save my life. And my sense of injustice continues to beat a dead horse because I want him to know that we know that he is a thief. He keeps telling me he gave out 4 more loans but he can't tell me the names of the people because we only have 149 people on our list. WTF? 

That being said, I am going down swinging and I'm pissed. Alisha and I have decided that after March's repayments that Nick is going to go to F.P. and collect the money that is in the safe and tell the recipients their debt has been forgiven. Adios. Caput. Nada. Zilch. Done. I cant get the hell out of F.P fast enough. There is shadyness going on and I sure as hell refuse to pay for an employee who has stolen or can't account for a $700 difference. And the marketplace isn't thriving. We did not start this thing in order for the people to be worse off than when we gave them the loans. So forget it. We (as in Nick) are grabbing our safe and getting the hell out of dodge. Or Fond Parisian. Same difference. 

How many tears is too many tears?

I will try to get through this without crying. I guess it's a good thing you can't see me right? I am so completely torn and emotional about the future of Open Hand. Our first collection was two weeks ago and only 39 people didnt pay and that could have been b.c they didnt know it was due. The problem is if they were able to pay bc they are doing well or were they able to pay bc they have had a good amount of time before we collected our first payment? I guess time will tell. But we only have paid for Nicolas and Franck through March.

There are so many factors I just want to write down

1. NO more money is coming in to OH
2. Means we dont have money to pay our employees after March 31st
3. If we are collecting money thats great - but I need $600 a month to keep our guys.
4. Yes, I'm burned out. No. I dont want to do a project right now. Will I want to in the future? Possibly yes.
5. In the mean time if OH can't pay for their employees then what? Nicolas has proven himself to be an invaluable employee. If he gets a different job and then we are ready to do another project we have to start the whole process over of trying to find someone we trust? I dont want to do that. I want Nick. He's the best. But I cant pay Nick.
6. Ty has said he will help raise money for OH but he needs a project and he needs to know what our plan is. But we dont have a plan b.c we are tired. I just know that I want the option to remain to do something else at some point. I assume in Haiti b.c geographically that's all that makes sense right now as a mom of a young child.
7. I need God to speak. Is Open Hand done? If it's not, where do we go next? Can we take a break and then do something? I dont want to lose Nick. How can I keep Nick so that when we are ready to move forward we can do so with him?