The hits keep coming and this is the biggest of all... this one is going to put us under as an organization. Our first and only project and we are an utter fail.
Even though all the key issues have changed throughout our entire project of raising the money for the loans in Haiti from the loans being $50 to the loans being $300 it would figure that nobody on the Haitian end of things is even acknowledging the fact that the loan amount increased 200% from when we first signed on to provide 300 loans. Over the course of time we communicated we wouldnt get close to our 300 goal and they were aloof about it and now the shit has hit the fan. Now that it is down to the wire and the marketplace is set to open they realize we can only provide 156 loans. Not 300. Well no duh, we've been telling you that all along but NOOOO that doesn't matter. All that matters is apparently there are 300 loans we should have given out and now they are scrambling b.c we didnt hold up to our end of the bargain. Sure they arent saying it exactly like that but it is very much implied. And what should have felt like a minor victory - I've been pissed all along that we couldnt get to the 300, now feels like a total loss b.c we didnt come close to what we said we'd try to do.
The story is that Haitians are banging down the doors of LAC b.c they were promised a loan and now LAC is trying to raise the money we couldn't and of course, they are struggling too. To add insult to injury for all we know, the people banging down their doors are actually people who snubbed their noses at our $150 loans and said no thanks and now they are backpeddling and realizing they should be grateful for something spoiled little shits.
All along we had a plan in place and from our end it was going to work but the rules kept changing. We were going to take the booth rental fee and divide it by 12 and attach that to all the loans so that Open Hand would 'own' the booth for a year as collaterial to pay back the loans. Well... that didnt happen and now we are scrambling to figure out how we are ever going to recoup the money b.c reality is if the people make money they are first going to pay their booth fee and that is all that the management company is going to care about. They arent going to care if we are getting repaid b.c it isnt money coming back to them.
Its so much to write it's just upsetting. It is looking more and more like this is going to be the most expensive learning lesson of our lives b.c we will be lucky if we ever see a dime of this money and we sure as hell aren't going to go out and collect any more money since it was so hard to get what we do have.
What should have been a proud moment for Open Hand is now our lowest. And the 156 loans represents almost 1,000 people who are dependents of those loan recipients. That's a lot of people to help but it still feels cheap. Unsuccessful and inadequate. Losers. And do I really want to do this again? Hell.No.
And the whole time I'm thinking to myself, 'why would God allow us to look like complete and utter idiots?' "Why did you say thank you if you knew that we were going to be failures?' 'Why did you send us here and give us clear signs this was you only to have us come up way short of our goal and everyone is disappointed in us?" "Why have I spent the last year of my life working my ass off for something that will never happen?" "Who in their right mind would ever do this again? But more to the point, there will never be money to do this again because our key element is that the loans are cyclical. If there is no payback then we have nothing to stand on."
After all of this I think to myself - what a joke. What a joke to think that I could do something to make a difference. What a joke to think that people would be passionate to give to our cause. What a joke to think that the Haitians would be grateful for what we were able to give. What a joke to have started something and fall short of the goal line. What a joke because what we did raise isn't good enough - not even close. So I will back up into the shadows with my tail between my legs, crawl under a rock, put my head in the sand - you get the idea. I just want the whole thing to go away. Can I have the last year of my life back, please? Or my dignity? That would be nice too.
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