Trigger Pulled

 

We just sent an email to the Open Hand team in Haiti with 175 people we are going to give a loan to. The list is bigger than that but the money is there to help 175. The cool thing is that if each of them have at least 5 dependents then we are really helping 875. Not bad for our first time out of the shoot. We are expecting more money to come in but need to start the training with what we know we've got. Each person is going to be given $150 to buy their goods. That has to be good enough b.c it's all we've got. Lord, let it be like the loaves and fishes - if it's not enough stretch it anyways.

So here I am balling like a baby b.c this is it. Training starts next week. It's do or die. Jump and hope He catches us, step out of the boat and hope we don't sink. I think you get the idea.

Here's what I wrote at the bottom of the email to our team:
This is it guys. It's been a year in the making but it is about to start. Let's do this thing for the glory of God and to make a difference in this portion of Haiti. As Bobby likes to say, "this is only the beginning."

Well... this is disturbing

Hearing sad and disheartening news out of Haiti today - as some of our loan recipients are waiting to receive their loan and waiting for the marketplace to open they are resorting to selling themselves in order to take care of their children. She is pregnant with her NINTH child. And here's another 'unfair' thing - birth control is too expensive for the very people who need it. Really? What kind of a world is this? I just wish I could say, "Hold on ladies, help is on the way!" but I cant even imagine what they are going through. And one more disheartening story coming out of the D.R. - at my meeting I had this week the man was telling me when he was in the D.R. last week that his colleague was approached by a woman and said she would sleep with him if he would buy her children's school uniforms.

Come on God, we need all these loans to be funded. We have an entire region of Haiti that desperately needs to know you care, you are there for them and you will provide.

The Good and the Better

Since my last few blogs have been so uplifting (NOT) I thought I'd mark a few good things that have happened.
1. Some of our board members held a garage sale this past weekend and brought in $1200 towards the micro loans. WooHoo!

2. I'm taking the approach that I have nothing to lose... therefore I sent an email yesterday to the men in Houston who have heard about us and have tons of money but obviously haven't given us anything and I heard back from one of the men who then donated $1,000!

3. Months ago Alisha (ie Open Hand) was contacted by an organization here in town who have been one of the single largest donors for World Vision. They wanted to meet. Alisha spent all night 'studying' so that she'd be ready - I don't remember where I was but I couldn't attend the meeting. Anywho... the day beforehand she receives an email apologizing for needing to cancel due to illness but that they will get back to her to reschedule. Of course, never heard from them again. Alisha, adopting the "I've got nothing to lose" slogan sent an email telling them she was moving to Brazil but she would love to connect beforehand and never heard back. This past Monday (as in two days ago) Alisha gets an email saying they'd like to meet and does she have any time this week before they head to India for a month and a half. Of course, Alisha is in Brazil so she defers to me. I promptly tell her that I will drop whatever I have going on this week in order to make that meeting to happen which leads me to today - I'm having lunch with a representative for the organization. So I wanted to write this beforehand. We are obviously praying and hoping they will help us in our quest to provide 300 loans.

4. There is a new song by Francesca Battistelli and a line in it says, "I don't need my name in lights, I'm famous in my Father's eyes. Make no mistake - He knows my name." I have been on such a low low lately and I feel my heart climbing out of the pits of despair and I went to a bible study yesterday where the speaker was talking about how we need to 'exchange the song we sing over ourselves' and I like this one :)

*** Well my meeting with Network of Caring and Nancy Dornan couldn't have gone any better unless she wrote me a check. We met for over 2 hours and I think there is something there - I certainly hope so! 

My Lists

In light of last nights utter FAIL of a Sole Sister party - nobody showed up - yeah. We like to roll like that - I have thought about my first blog post and looked at how different my posts are now (and not in a good way) and I thought I'd make some lists. 

Things I've Lost

• My self confidence
• Sleep
• A happy continence
• Belief in mankind (pathetic but so true. Sorry to be a downer but people suck)

Things I've Gained

• Respect for non profits who are profitable
• Reverent respect for individuals who have been doing this all their lives (like Bobby and Sherry)
• Realizing that it takes more than a desire to make a difference - it takes people willing to give, it takes having a platform
• The realization that I don't want to do this after Haiti
• Weight (ha! just kidding)
• I've met some incredible Haitian men who have a heart to help their people and families
• I've met some great missionaries who work hard every day and gain nothing for it. 
• My families backing in what we are trying to accomplish - even monetarily, which means a lot b.c my family doesn't have a lot to give yet they believe in me.

Napoleon Dynamite

Alisha is leaving for Brazil on Sunday - no earthly idea how all this is going to work out.
We are getting all the approved Haitian vendor list by the 12th so we can have Franck begin to train them. We are still short 60k. At least, that's what our goal was - 100,000. We can't afford to go back to Haiti and yet we need to in order to give out the loan money, attend the women's conference we are sponsoring and then we'd love to be able to go at the beginning of December for the actual televised dedication but I just don't see how that's possible.

My moments of panic and crying are coming more frequently and then I just move on. Short of standing on a street corner with a bucket I don't know what more we can do. I bet I'm like a broken record with this blog but nobody is reading it anyways.

I can see doing what we can in Haiti and giving out what we've collected but then... I fold.
 
This is too hard. I wanted to make a difference, a huge impact and it's just not going to happen. It's embarrassing to have put myself out there and to not fulfill what we've promised... or what Alisha promised. Trying to do this again someplace else? Yeah right. I feel like a total and complete failure and loser. And the families that are waiting for a loan - how do we say, "just kidding. Your kids need to keep eating mud." WTH? How wrong is that?

When the time comes I'm making her call the headquarters to say we don't have the money for the 300 loans she said we'd give out. Granted, that was back when we were under the assumption that the loans would be $25 a piece. How nice would that have been? But I don't think they will remember that we signed on thinking of 25 dollar loans NOT $350. It would be so much easier to work for a non profit making a difference. Why we needed to start our own I have no idea. In the words of Napoleon Dynamite - "IDIOT" I bet you were wondering when the title of my post was going to be explained. Ha!